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I wrote this at 2am last night

October 4, 2018

rant// 

 

So I calculated it out. Its said that it takes 10,000 hours to be good at something. And I've been at this since I was 14. But calculating professional levelish/collegiate level training, I'm at 10,000 hours. Not counting shows, filming on set, rehearsals, for funsies classes and dancing and open mics (literally just classes in college). And I get it--there are people who just AREN'T for this kind of work--who somehow graced through 10,000 hours with only 5 and are not good and have gone to the moon and back in success. But thats the anomaly, and I'm looking at this practically. I am no special. I have done my hours alongside so many people who have both stayed and left the business. But I have drive and passion really good intentions and will do anything to tell these stories. I think thats what sets me apart. Art is so funny. It effects you with such peaks and valleys. Its the lover you never walk on eggshells with. Its screaming and throwing oranges at kitchen cabinets at 3am. I don't think I've ever allowed myself to dive into art and self expression and to push myself like I have been in the past few months and its bringing up a lot of new emotions and feelings and experiences. Art is the greatest marriage and divorce I have yet to feel. I have had so many moments of therapeutic catharsis and just release of emotions in classes, writing, rehearsing, and performing in the past few months than ever before? I feel like with every word I say or write a part of my soul is released into the universe and I know myself just a smidge better. Art is where I find magic, and I believe its why I've been finding so much more magic in my everyday life. I can do this. I just have to believe in myself. Its to the point where this is no longer an option-but a necessity. Done with waiting by the phone for calls, I need to be making anything and everything whether it be on my own or with others. And yes, this is terribly pretentious probably, but fuck it. I'm not going to judge myself for believing that I can make it. I am going to keep pushing. Keep fighting. Keep building this tough skin and working as hard as I fucking can no matter what. Art is like boxing, if your heart and soul was in the ring. 2 very different fights-both leaving you breathless in very different ways. And at least, on the days when I feel like nobody believes in me, the Ashley fan club is at 0 and I'm by myself, I know FOR SURE I have at least one person in my corner (it's me!). So this is me really believing in myself. This is me knowing I can do this. This is me pushing myself to do it. To the next 10,000 hours and all the ones after it, I look forward to you so fucking much. 

 

 

 

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