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July 12, 2018

I feel like I've been a little AWOL lately and honestly it's so nice. The past month has brought a lot of changes and I actually am the happiest I've ever been... which is... pretty fuckin dope. 


The past month has been a new start for me in terms of relationships, family, mindset, pretty much everything. I ended the relationship I was in, and we are still civil of course, but I am proud to say I am my first priority now. I am learning a lot about who I am as a person and have changed immensely in the past year and the past month let alone. Right now I'm in the process of dating myself, I guess? The way I put it is, when you're first getting to know somebody you're interested in, what conversations do you have? What questions do you ask? Those are the things I've been asking myself. I'm very invested in learning this new person I've become and figuring out what makes me tick. I'm taking myself out on dates, doing things I like, and being on MY OWN schedule, which is very important to me. I'm more honest about what I like and what I need in a physical sense and I feel very liberated in my sexuality. I'm saying no more, saying yes more to things I want, and I'm being true to myself in every way I can be. Most of all, I'm being kind to myself. I feel more calm, I feel more grounded, I feel like everything has been hazy and blurry for the past few months and I just got glasses. 


When I was out to Vegas to see my dad, I realized that I was still deeply rooted to Vegas. I was so happy when I landed, seeing the slot machines at the airport I wanted to kiss them all. But I didn't understand why I missed home so much. So I did some research on homesickness. I didn't realize I was that homesick, it was so bad. Everything hurt, I just wanted to go home but no way in hell was I going to leave New York. What was happening was my heart was still in Vegas. I was only talking to my old friends, talking to my parents, every other sentence I'd reference home "Back in Vegas..." and it wasn't healthy. I didn't give Vegas up and I wasn't ready to. With the shooting, VGK, and being away from home for the city for the first time, it was hard. But seeing my friends, seeing my family, seeing the way life moved on there, I finally felt ready to leave. Vegas is beautiful. Vegas will forever be my home. But after a year of being in New York and seeing what life was like in Vegas compared to here, I am finally ready to accept New York as my home. And you know what? I love it here. Now I'm exploring, doing all the things I didn't before. I am a tourist and a local in my own city and I'm so happy and thankful to live in one of the greatest cities in the world. Goodness, it's magic here. Truly magic. 


But lets be clear, once a Vegas girl, always a Vegas girl. :) 


The main thing I'm so happy about is I feel like I'm 600000x more dedicated to acting. I mean before I was going to auditions, etc. But for the past few months I felt like I was kind of half-assing it. Now I feel a lot more confident when I say I'm actor. I'm doing things consistently and have been going on a lot more auditions, spending my time a lot more wisely, and living ambitiously like I really want to. I can say I'm actually proud of myself and I'm doing a good job. It can get really easy to settle and only accept what's given, but now I'm back to being hungry and really going after it full speed. Fuck yeah. 


In the past month I've spent so much time with myself journaling, thinking, walking, at the gym, meditating. I'm so happy. Honestly, so happy. It's funny, I read posts from before and the way I sound seems so forced (*see my 1 year in new york post, I wrote it in may and published it today as well) and now I am just... here. I'm also reading a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck" and it's been so so so beneficial to me during this time. I think things happen for a reason and they happen when they need to. The post-breakup craziness has ended, the post-travel travel itch is still there, the homesickness is withering away, and my love for myself has been growing so so so much. Another book that has helped me SO MUCH is Whitney Cummings' "I'm Fine... And Other Lies" if you want to check that out (I highly recommend). 


So, cheers to a year in New York. Cheers to finally being single. Cheers to dedicating your life to your art and your happiness. Cheers to walking barefoot and getting sunburns. Cheers to exploring the world and exploring myself. Cheers to love. Cheers to life. 




























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