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Burning the candle at both ends, and the middle, and then chopping it up and burning those pieces, too, then throwing it all into a fireplace.

April 3, 2018

I've typed in the phrase "How to not burn the candle at both ends" into google so many times it now comes up on it's own. For as long as I can remember, I've always loved to squeeze every hour of work I can into my schedule. From the moment I could work, I've always had more than one job, taken on classes, whatever I could fit in. 


The past week I've worked 13 hour days almost every day and am looking at another full week of doing so, with no time off. I know tons of people have it hard, though. People work at autoshops can work a 13 hour day every day with one day off a week, and manage to get by. Honestly, I'm not so sure if I am cut out for it anymore? I've been sick for the past two weeks, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. I think it's a combination of my body still getting used to all the germs and stuff in New York with my shitty immune system or just stress and exhaustion. With classes, shows, jobs, and trying to make time for myself and my social life (which by the way, I have been looking at as an option which is not okay at all!) I feel like I'm losing my mind. 


Sometimes I sit back and think about my priorities and I'm sure I have it 100000% all wrong. I get so worried about paying rent, being able to afford the career I'm in--that I don't make time for the career I'm in!  With acting, you have to take classes. You have to keep your instrument in tune, keep your body moving. I've been so obsessed with working that I haven't been taking the classes I love, be it dance or just going to an acting workshop or seeing casting directors. Franky and I bought a studio kit and I haven't even been able to take the time to set it up and film a self tape! I sit at work and my body feels terrible, I keep getting sick, and my heart is heavy with burden and stress. That's not at all how life should be lived, and that's for fuckin sure not how an artist lives life, at all. 


Also, it's spring! Sure, it's a little colder than we all had planned, but still, it's spring. The trees are barely staring to show signs of leaves growing, flowers are being replanted, people are in parks! It's not a time to be working like crazy. 


I think it would be different if I was working in something that I loved doing, rather than working for money alone. If I was doing a show or on set, I have NO qualms about dedicating 100% of my time to something, and honestly I would be sure to put in time to rest, relax, put the script down and live life because that's what you DO as an actor. But I've been so tied up in the wrong thing completely. 


By no means do I want to quit both my jobs and throw my worry to the winds. I actually like both of my jobs quite a bit. I'm training to be a server at the restaurant, which is super fun. At the hotel, being a concierge is great. Both jobs let me be around people all day and talk and interact, which does make me happy! But I think I should just be putting a little more effort into doing things that matter more to me and reflect on why I even came out here in the first place. 


Plus, having an afternoon to do my laundry would be dope, ya know? 


Anyway, enough complaining. (Ps, I've also discovered I have an incredible amount of guilt in my heart. Anytime I'm not being 100000000% productive, I feel like I'm wasting my time and everybody else's. This is totally negative and I'm working on it. But when I have a second of free time to work, I'm covering somebody or I pick up a shift or I'm worried about money and being guilty about money, and that's all silly. It's literally insane of me to do that. The guilt is something I've dealt with for a long time, and if I made a damn second for myself, I could work on it!)


And let's start doing. 


I'm writing this so it's in the public eye and gives me more push to really focus on giving myself breaks and prioritizing my passion instead of my 9-5 and taking more time to live my life. I haven't gone out for fun in what feels like months besides being in DR. I haven't been able to hang out with Franky. My friends haven't seen me in so long, and I am always cancelling on social things to work. Bullshit. CHANGE STARTS NOW YO. 


With the warm season coming up, schedules are changing for both my jobs. Once my schedules change, I'm going to make a schedule! A physical schedule that will show me what times of my day are free and how long I'm free for. It's just a combination of time management and really telling myself that taking a day off is okay. Acting classes, improv, seeing shows (good god I haven't seen a show in forever and I live NEXT TO BROADWAY), going to the gym, taking fitness classes, seeing friends! All things I want to just commit more time to doing. I can eat all the healthy and nutritious foods I want, but if I don't let my mind and body take a rest, what's the point? 


I do have a lot of expenses. New York is pricey, I have a trip coming up, I have bills, and I need to get headshots taken. But everything will be okay. I will be able to do it. No matter what, there will be a way to get it done. 


I have a lot of projects that I want to do, fun things, and I'm so excited to do them! I just need to sit down and actually do them, and have the time to. 


I'll keep working, but with the note that days off are ALRIGHT. And I'm going to keep auditioning my ass off and doing things that I love and making time for comedy. 


My schedule has been running my life. It's time for me to be in charge of my schedule! 











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