January/February have been odd for me, as it seems with every single other month I have been in New York. It seems like things keep piling up, or something gets in the way, or pulls me back, but so is life and it never gets easier. So instead of waiting to deal with problems when they happen, I'm trying to be more active and I'm putting effort into being in complete control of my life. It's a busy fuckin' city, yo. It's easy to feel lost or not in control when you're literally counting the seconds between the minute you step off the subway platform to when you punch in for work and maybe just MAYBE if you sprint to the next avenue you can get an extra 5 minutes of time to yourself yada yada yada. Point is, I've never been in a real "city" and I've learned it can easily take you in and spit you out with it's yucky garbage smelling breath.
Nonetheless, I am trying and I'm having a hell of a time doing it. It's been hard, there are lot of family matters happening and it's easy to get completely sucked into a problem when it's so big, almost like a wave coming over you. But yet again, New York won't let that happen. It doesn't care about what's happening in your personal life, who is healthy and who is not, all it cares about is that you get from point A to point B in some sort of stressed state due to the train suddenly going express on you and WHY L TRAIN DO YOU SKIP STOPS AT RANDOM.
Anyway, that's what I've been dealing with. Just trying to find a sweet, subtle balance of being a good daughter, a good performer, a good partner, a good friend, a good person. And shit, that's a long list! On some days, I'm a good performer but a horrible friend. On some days, I'm a good daughter but a horrible performer. It's a balance. And I've let it overwhelm me some days, and I think that's needed, but I am learning. I've always had a struggle with what avenue to be a good "___" in and when, I often get it confused. But I'm getting more grounded in who I am as a person now that I'm fully on my own in a new space, you really don't have an option.
I've been doing a lot of self care lately! When the world crashes down around you, why not lather yourself in coconut oil?! That's my life motto. When the going gets tough, the tough smother their entire being in coconut oil. I've been doing more yoga, stretching, lighting a ton of candles, and meditation. I've looked at the same punching bag online for like 10 times a day and maybe eventually I'll buy it, the subway can cause a lot of aggression but I'm thankful I don't have a car. Haha. It also helps to be super organized in actual life and daily things that can be easily forgotten. Who knew how centering doing laundry could be when you've had a busy as hell week.
In performing, I'm just working my hardest. Half the battle of being a good performer is being a good person and knowing yourself. You can't be somebody else if you have no idea how to be yourself. So in working on myself more, I am contributing to my wellbeing as a performer. I'm doing more stand-up now and it's so lovely and good for the soul. Laughter is HEALING I TELL YA. I'm working on more projects, I'm just trying to stay as active as possible. I'm getting back into voice, and golly gee if I don't take a dance class soon my legs will slap me in the face.